Well, it's been minute. (Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth.)
Things were pretty shitty for awhile and I didn't feel like I could really write about "recovery" given the state I was in. I went back into treatment in January and was just discharged this morning, so now (while trapped on a 4+ hour flight back to DC) seemed like a good time to re-visit this blog and share some of the insights and reflections I have from the time I spent in Denver.
I guess to start I am terrified. I don't feel "confident" or "ready", or how I had hoped or envisioned that I would feel upon leaving. My eating disorder is still super present and I know it's something that I will likely be struggling with for awhile, and even though logically I know that it wasn't even remotely realistic for me to expect myself to somehow overcome a 14-year long struggle in under 4 months, it feels disappointing.
I was really panicking over the last few days, especially last night as I was packing up. The feeling was almost comparable to walking into a big exam and being hit with "shit, I should have studied harder. I should have reviewed x, y, z again. I should have asked my professor about x. I should have memorized y and z." etc. etc. (you get the point) I felt the need to have everything "together", you know the saying "all tied up with a bow"? Like that. I wanted to leave feeling like I had "done it"/like I "had my life back". I get so easily fused with that desire that it's hard to take a step back and to consider that it might not work that way. Ever. It's hard to accept that I might never feel "done".
Honestly though, are any of us? Eating disorders aside, there are always struggles and challenges that we will face as human beings, always room to grow and learn and become. I'm not finished, but that's okay. I've come a long way from where I started, and that's proof that I'm still capable of coming a long way from where I am now. (or at least that's what I'm trying to believe)
I do know that I am capable, at this point, of making different choices that will lead me towards what I want, and that wasn't always the case. I know that I don't have to do what I have always done. I have the power to choose the way in which I respond to my environment and to my triggers. I'm trying to hold onto that, and I believe that if I can that will be a huge part of what gets me through this next stage of my journey.
I also know that today I left behind a team of people who will always care for and hold hope for me, people who want me to keep fighting. And as cliche as it might sound, that helps too. Because I know there will be moments when I can't do it for "me"/when I won't see the point etc.
I was completely honest throughout this treatment - not just in regards to actual behaviors but with my thoughts and urges and everything else that I would have kept to myself in the past. I think I've often been afraid that if I shared everything it would be "too much"/that I would freak people out or force them to give up on me/to judge me, and so it was just really "cool" (for lack of a better word) to share everything with these people and to still be met with compassion and caring and most importantly, hope. My dietician would always tell me that I was the only one there who felt hopeless about me (generally as I was sitting in her office crying about how nothing was "getting better"/there was "no point" etc.) and hearing that over and over again really impacted me. I have been learning, slowly, to hold some of that hope for myself.
In my honesty with others I was forced to also be more honest with myself. Speaking to my fears and struggles has made them feel a lot more "real", and I think that higher level of awareness is largely contributing to the fear I'm feeling currently. It would've been a lot easier to have convinced myself that all of this was good now/that I could handle it etc., but that wouldn't be real. And real is, ultimately, what I'm all about. I'm trying to remind myself that while difficult, this awareness is a good thing. That ultimately it will only serve me in moving towards what I want and avoiding what I am so afraid of falling back into.
There's that too. I'm really afraid of my eating disorder right now. Not to say that there aren't aspects of recovery that terrify me as well, because there definitely are, and I'm still struggling a lot with how shitty this entire process feels, but I know that the eating disorder would be worse. Another thing my dietician would ask me a lot was "which pain are you going to choose?" It's hard because my mind feels so programmed to believe that the eating disorder behaviors will always make things better, sometimes it honestly just feels instinctual because it so freaking ingrained in me, but when I can slow down enough to be intentional about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, I know that I don't want any of what comes as a result of those behaviors. I know that as much as I don't want to eat this stupid meal plan and don't want to maintain this weight that feels completely intolerable, I more-so don't want to ever want to be where I was a few months ago, when every waking moment was consumed either with thoughts about food and calories or about killing myself. I can't live like that. My life has to be about more than oatmeal and baby carrots and dying. I'm not spiritual, but I have to believe that I am here on this earth for some greater purpose than destroying myself. So this pain is better. I know that. I'm learning more and more to rely on that to guide my choices. It doesn't make any of this easy, but it helps.
I feel like this post was a bit scattered, but to summarize I would say that while I'm scared and still struggling, I'm also still here and fighting. I've grown, and am not in the same space that I was when I entered treatment earlier this year. I am so glad that I didn't give up then, that I decided to try again instead, and I'm so so grateful to everyone who helped me along the way.
