On "Recovery"

I've had a really hard time deciding what I wanted to write about in this next post, (Per usual, I suck with decisions) I've been torn between a few different things, but I think I want to dedicate this space to writing about the idea of "recovery", as I think it's something that is often misunderstood by both those who suffer with eating disorders and their friends, families, and treatment providers.

"Recovery" is a term thrown about so often in the world of eating disorders and treatment that I think sometimes we don't really stop to think about what we're actually referring to.
"Is skipping that snack going to move you towards recovery?" "Do the next right thing for your recovery." "Recovery is so worth it - don't give up!" "Recovery is possible!" We hear these things all the time. But what is "recovery"?

Some claim that it is the complete absence of eating disorder thoughts and urges. Others will say that it's simply learning to live with the thoughts and urges and manage them in a way that doesn't allow them to interfere with the rest of your life. I think it looks different for everyone, and I feel like that is what we often overlook and fail to understand.

I would love to believe that it is possible for everyone, myself included, to "fully recover". And I know this might be slightly controversial and may sound pessimistic, but I don't. And truthfully, I think that the message that "full recovery is possible for everyone!" is often more harmful than it is encouraging.

While I am genuinely happy for the (few) girls I met in treatment who have been able to reach what they consider "fully recovered", I think it's important to recognize that they're a minority, and that most people with eating disorders do continue to struggle, at least minimally, for the rest of their lives. I do think that it's possible to go on and live a fulfilling life while still having those remnants of struggle, but I think it becomes difficult to really appreciate the joy and beauty that can be found amidst struggle when we are constantly told that we could have more, that we are "settling". I know that for myself personally, it has taken a hell of a lot of really hard work to get to where I am today, and while I may not be Jenni Schaefer (I have yet to make a "Recovered." t-shirt...), I am alive and am able to really be present in my life in a way that I haven't been able to in years. The eating disorder still takes up a good deal of my mental real-estate, and I'm definitely not free or comfortable around food, but at this point I have accepted that a brain with no eating disorder thoughts is probably not really in the cards for me, and I'm okay with that. I think of it as the volume on my phone. Last December everything in my head was blaring so, so loud that I couldn't hear anything else around me (and I felt like my eardrums were going to explode), and now, while the it's definitely still there, but the volume is low enough that it's just background noise. I can still hear and focus on other things, and sometimes I honestly forget that it's even there. I don't see it ever fully going away for me, and I no longer really have that as a goal. My goal is simply to continue building a life that is worth living in spite of it.

I have struggled in the past with comparing myself to other girls and women I was in treatment with who did seem able to "just snap out of it" while I continued to struggle. I don't think there's any way to completely make sense of how two people can enter treatment at the same time, both motivated and wanting "recovery", and yet each have such different outcomes. I do think, however, that there are certain factors that definitely play into it...age of onset, other co-morbid disorders such OCD, depression, anxiety, PTSD, how long the person was struggling before seeking treatment/how long they have been sick, what their home environment is like/what sort of support system they have etc. etc. (I could go on and on...) Every individual's struggle is unique to them, and while I think there is (some) understanding around that, I don't feel that we generally acknowledge that in the same way each individual's recovery is unique to them. Not everyone is going to be capable of achieving full freedom from the eating disorder, and if we all continue striving for that, I think we're doing ourselves a disservice. I also think that seeking to encourage or motivate someone who struggles by telling them that "recovery is possible! (insert random name) is proof that you really can move past it!" is not helpful. No one else can serve as "proof" that anything is possible for another individual, because in spite of the many similarities some of us may have with each other, we've none lived the same lives and we none share all the same experiences and struggles.

I don't mean for this post to be discouraging, or to seem as though I am advising people to stop striving towards a life that is more free of the eating disorder. I personally still hope to make further progress in the realm of what I feel safe and comfortable with, and being "in recovery" is something that I'm still working on daily. But freedom and recovery are things that will have very different definitions for different people, and I cannot stress enough the importance of acknowledging that.

I encourage those of you reading who do struggle to take some time to reflect on how you personally define "being in recovery", and what "recovery" really means to you. I've found that defining and owning my own personal journey, (and accepting that it isn't going to look identical to anyone else's) has been one of the most powerful and beneficial things I've been able to do for myself, and my hope is that you might have a similar experience in doing so.

I'm going to try to write my next topic later this week, so until then I'm wishing you all the best. Thank you again to everyone who reads this - you all are the best!